I don’t know whether it was the glamorous location, the somewhat revealing and strangely empowering outfit or the post-coital glow I was wearing (your girl’s found her new favourite way to start the week) but even as I arrived at the location to shoot these images with Zoe, I knew I’d love them before she’d even pulled her camera out. I was on a mission that day to create several sets of images that I could use before Christmas and that would finally inspire enough words to put together a blog post or two, as it feels very much as though words have escaped me for much of this year. A series of life changes and a journey through countless emotions has had me feeling numb (and confused) at times when I really ought to have felt something, really wanted to feel something. So I’ve been seeking for that bit of inspiration, trying desperately to ignite the creativity that’s been lying dormant inside me for longer than I like to admit. I’ll find a snippet here, form an idea there but I haven’t had the energy to inject to allow it to take shape.
So I present these images, from the first shoot in a long time that I was excited to share with you, not just because of the outfit or the location but because I felt inspired that day - and it's been a bloody long time coming.
Each year we remark about how quickly 12 months have flown, that last Christmas seems like only last week and that time just seems to be escaping us. Yet I’ve never felt it quite as much as this year. I remember Christmas last year so vividly and though there have been a few milestones this year and plenty of wonderful memories, I can’t help but feel as though so much of it was a blur. I’ve had weeks where I’ve been focused solely on getting through each day, congratulating myself on small tasks like getting out of bed, doing the washing up, putting makeup on – tasks that usually, are no major achievement at all. It really feels as though as I’ve experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in 2017 and I’m not sure I’m the only one. We’ve lost some incredible famous faces, watched the political system turn to shit and been dealt blow after blow with terror attacks and natural disasters. It kind of feels like 2017 has been one big test.
So as the end of the year has neared, my motivation has waned and my energy has depleted (there’s no ‘going out with a bang’ from me this year). I’m just kind of done. But out of that, I have this strange and almost urgent excitement for 2018. I know the whole New Year, Fresh Start mantra is cliché but nothing motivates me more than the prospect of switching things up, setting goals and targets and starting fresh. Each year, the New Year gives me hope and inspiration, a determination to make the next 12 months better than the last. And I really feel it this time around. I’ve learnt so much in the last year and I feel so ready to apply that knowledge, to better myself and to better my life.
I have yet to write down all of my resolutions for the New Year but the big one, the one I tweeted recently is to let the fuck go, not care too much about what people think and to just do me. And yeah, this might sound a little shitty and self-indulgent to you but it’s kind of a huge deal to me. I’ve become way too sensitive this year, I’ve done more overthinking than I have actual doing and I’ve developed completely irrational fears and boundaries, based on what I think other people might say or might think about me. I’ve completely lost my self-confidence and it really kind of sucks. So that’s something I very much want to work on next year – developing a thicker skin and growing a big old pair of balls.
And knowing that, I walked into this shoot with a little more purpose than usual, with the intention of setting the tone for next year’s content. I’ve got big ideas, I’m working on re-finding/fine-tuning my voice and I’m in the process of implementing changes that I will hope will shape my career, give me more of a structure and truly establish a brand I’m proud of.
So here’s me in The Coral Room, a very glamorous new bar and restaurant in The Bloomsbury Hotel, wearing a sassy tux bodysuit/wide leg trouser combination and flashing a bit of tit, feeling fab.