When something happens – good or bad – and in my excited or distressed state I can’t process the circumstances or emotions, I write. It’s a release, a way for me to understand my stream of consciousness in cohesive sentences, rather than trying to process a million thoughts flying around my head at 100mph.
And it’s something I’ve always done. Over the years, I’ve found diaries and loose bits of paper from some of the worst times and some of the best times. And, admittedly, some of those have been shared with you, right here. And while I’ve always teetered on the verge of oversharing, inviting you inside my mind and divulging some of my most intimate experiences, I’ve never felt uncomfortable or worried about doing so. It’s been therapeutic for me, for some of you and allowed us to have discussions about some really poignant topics. But now, things seem different. I’m not as liberal with my words as I used to be – and the barriers and restrictions I’m placing on myself are driving me insane. Why can’t I write like I used to?
I’ve seen a lot of blog posts flying around lately about lack of motivation, bloggers falling out of love with writing and consequently not posting as often or focusing more instead on other platforms for content creation – Instagram and YouTube for example. And though I too often lack the motivation to spend hours editing and putting a post together, it’s more about my fear than anything else. The fear that what I want to say is “off brand” (which FYI is a term I am starting to loathe. I’m my brand. Why am I so worried about making everything fit?), that what I want to divulge implicates others, that I’m obliged to censor my content and think long-term about its effects. And my thoughts to all of those things in this very moment? Fuck them (and yes, it was about time I introduced a swear word or two over here) (sorry Dad). Because in worrying about all of those things, I’m holding myself back. I’m not creating content that feels me so I just stop creating content completely, leaving the world to think I’ve dropped off the face of the Earth.
And please don’t think I’m being ignorant or irresponsible when I say these things. Though I’m waving goodbye to the concept of this doesn’t fit with my brand therefore it should never see the light of day, I’m also fully aware that I’m running a business here, that I have a duty to maintain some element of professionalism. And most importantly, to protect the people close to me. But does the rest really matter? As I change, as I grow and as I’m shaped by new experiences, my content changes too, my brand evolves. And you, are here for the journey. And I know a good many of you will remember day one, day ten and day fifty, where it all started. Which was - by the way - me and my laptop, with an overflowing drawer of thoughts and emotions I couldn’t process, that I willingly emptied onto pages and pages of posts that you responded to and connected with. Which is why I’m here today.
And I want to take it back to that. I have goals and ambitions for my content, especially when it comes to photography and visual representation of a mood, an outfit or a location. And trust me, change is coming. But the writing, the words? The only change I want in those is the elimination of my fear, the freedom to open up, let you in and talk, like we used to. Because I fear we have become disconnected and I’m the only one to blame.
I’m sorry for shutting you out, I really am. I have this tendency to push people away when I need them most. And believe it or not, this includes you.
Stick with me, you’re more important than you think.